Realization
I have come to a realization today. I am on my way to becoming Aunt Imogen from the new Alice in Wonderland. For those of you that aren't familiar with the movie, Aunt Imogen is the crazy spinster auntie that believes she's engaged to a prince that can't marry her because he'd have to renounce his throne. "Tragic, isn't it?" she says to Alice when she reveals the secret.
Well, I'm becoming her. For some time I've been living at least a portion of my life in some fantasy land, believing that one day Prince Charming would come along to sweep me off my feet and make my life all better. My Cinderella existence would end and I would be transformed into a beautiful, happy Princess.
But it's not going to happen. There is no Prince Charming coming to save me. I am on my own and the only person in this world that is capable of making a difference in my life is me.
Notice how I said the only person on this earth. I know without a doubt that God is saving me every moment of every day. I know that the Savior died in order to help me become everything that I can. I depend on them. I couldn't make it without them.
As for the rest of the world, though, I'm the only one that can save me. And I can't continue dreaming and pretending that there's anyone else that can - or would want to, for that matter. I have to make my own happiness, find my own joy, because no one else is going to do it for me.
It's been nice to have somewhere to escape to, a place where my problems are not my own fault. I have cultivated that place and made it very comfortable and welcoming. But I can't hide anymore from the responsibility I hold to act for myself.
I'm tired. I am tired of being alone. And I'm coming to see more and more - despite my pleading, praying, and hoping that I'm wrong - how it's my own darn fault.
And so. What to do. Honestly, I'm not sure. But at least now I know I need to do something. I'm going to try my best not to hide anymore.
2 comments:
Sure do love you Angela. Thank you for sharing with us your testimony of being accountable. Its interesting the turns that life takes...the roads that lead us to where we are...and the choices we make to get there. Yet still most often times it is not as we planned it yet if we look hard enough like you said we can see the Lord and one day we can look back and see why...I said that really for me and know that i typed it I might as well let you know I am thinking about you and praying that you will find happiness as you search and do your part. Love you Angela!
Do we have joined brains or what? I read this and felt like I'd written it. I did a different blog post using Alice of Wonderland/singledom, though, lol. But I do remember watching that character and thinking "I hope that's not me someday."
Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and scream and roll around on the ground cause I'm tired of being alone too. I hear ya girl.
And then on the other hand I wonder if my protective little heart would let someone in...hmmm.
It's easy to blame things on someone or something else...I have issues to face up to as well.
I have been evaluating myself lately as well. Hugs to you, dear. I'm rooting for you. Love you.
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